Alone in a Crowd

almost 19 weeks

2009-09-02T21:11:50Z

I'm almost 19 weeks pregnant now. Everything has been going really well so far. The sickness has been minimal and while I was extremely tired for a long time I'm doing a little better with that now.

Despite being the type of woman who gets fat looking at a cake, I am barely showing. My boobs have moved up from having their own zip code to having their own area code and I already have terrible stretch marks, but if I didn't tell you I'm nearly 5 months pregnant you probably wouldn't know it. I've only told my boss at work and no one else has said anything. I know that I started out overweight but I thought there would be more to show at 5 months. I've gained probably about 5 pounds, which is good in my case since I started out weighing too much.

Everything has been great at the doctors. The baby was beautiful and healthy at the first trimester screening and I have passed all those screening tests for abnormalities like a 22 year old. On Tuesday Sept 8th we go for our anatomy ultrasound where they can tell us the sex of the baby. We are both very excited to find out what we're having. We're happy either way but we're excited to know. We've worked on names but I don't think we'll officially decide till after the baby is born.

This weekend we're going to go shopping to start looking at baby stuff. I have been reading books and online about various things and gathered a lot of good information from my sister who just had a baby last year. I'm looking forward to picking out stuff for baby and at the same time it's very overwhelming. There are so many things to choose from and everything costs so much money.

I've been working on cleaning out the room we're going to use for the baby and making good progress. We just have to put some bookcases together for downstairs so I can move the rest of the stuff out of the room. Then we need to paint.

it's been a long time

2009-07-30T19:20:46Z

It's been a long time and so much has happened. I wrote some things intending to start another blog but I didn't get far and didn't share it with anyone. It's like when you're in the thick of so much that going through it is all you can handle and talking or writing about it is just too much.

So I'll just fast forward to where I'm at today.

I'm pregnant.

14 weeks pregnant today.

Yes, it was on purpose. There's no accident about this true miracle of modern medicine.

My husband is excited and couldn't wait to tell everyone. He told his day the day the stick turned pink. I just told my mother two weeks ago.

I couldn't be more happy or feel more blessed by this baby. I worry about how old I am having this baby but so far everything has been great on all the tests. I'm having a completely routine and normal pregnancy even though it took more than 8 years to get pregnant. I've hardly puked at all.

We are planning to find out the sex if it is possible in early September. The current due date is January 28, 2010.

Maybe that's enough to digest for now....

lonely one dog house

2008-10-30T02:17:39Z

I have spent the better part of the last ten years with three big dogs in my house. I thought we'd never recover from losing Mack in 2005. Mack was so many things to me and so many things to Dave. He was an amazing dog, a once in a lifetime family member.

It wasn't long after losing Mack that my Dad got sick and I spent the better part of 2006 caring for him and then dealing with his death.   When my father died we brought his dog, Abby, to live with us and we had 3 dogs again. We lost two other family members that year too. My marriage was in a bad place and I was severely depressed.

In 2007 when I thought life could give me no more sadness my little Brandy got sick, had a miracle recovery and then got sick again and we lost her. I fell apart.   Brandy thought the world revolved around me. She adored me. She cuddled up to me when I was sad. Losing her just crushed me.

When 2008 rolled around I was sure we were done with death for a good long time. January wasn't half over when we lost my Aunt Deena. Deena was my great Aunt but in reality she was my grandmother. Losing her was like losing the soul of that part of my family.

And then, because life likes to kick you while you're down, our dog Ginger got sick in February. We took her to the vet and thought she just had some kind of infection. She did start to get better with medications but still had a lingering cough. Finally a tissue biopsy gave us the worst news, cancer in her lungs.

She did well for a while, was even playful and happy. The whole time she was sick we didn't have much of an appetite.   We bribed her with goodies and treats. She got so skinny. The vet thought she she would only have a few months but she did better for much longer than that. In late Sepember I feared the end was coming very close.

In the middle of October I went to Arizona to help my mom finish cleaning out Deena's house and right before I left I knew Ginger wasn't doing well. I gave her extra love before I left but I really did expect her to be here when I got home. Unfortunately she took a real turn for the worse and Dave had to rush her to the vet the day before I came home.

He called me from the vets' office because the vet reccommended that we put her to sleep that day. Our vet has been wonderful to us and I have always trusted his opinion. It'a testament to how our marriage has turned around that I was on the phone with Dave crying because he was going to have to be alone with Ginger and he was so sad because I wasn't going to get to be with Ginger. He held the phone up so I could talk to her and then he stayed with her.

I came home to our lonely one dog house to a dog that is not my own. She loves us and we love her but her heart will always belong to my Dad. She is 13 years old and has bad hips. I am scared for what may happen to her in the near future.

I just had to go and find her because when you have lived so long with three big dogs in your house having only one feels wrong. I lived so long tripping over dogs in every room, having to be careful when I pushed back my office chair so I wouldn't run over a dog, getting tripped down the hall.

My house was full of dogs and I loved it. I can't imagine filling it with any other dogs, though. It's now full of the memories of the dogs that we loved and loved us.

A quiz I found interesting.

2008-08-22T13:31:39Z

Swiped from elizabeyth who swiped it from </a></b></a>heldincontempt .

1. Do you like blue cheese? No, it's Eeeewww to me. And so is Ranch.

2. Have you ever smoked a cigarette? Yes, but I never cared for it.

3. Do you own a gun? No. But my husband does.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic? Sadly, I live in the land of No Sonic. I did go to one in Arizona once and sadly, I didn't add a flavor to my coke. If I did it would probably be cherry or vanilla.

5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Yes. I'm especially nervous about one I have on August 29th. I've had to leave the doctor's office because I had to wait too long and I got too nervous.

6. What do you think of hot dogs? I like em, but only certain brands and only grilled or fryed in a pan. Boiled hot dogs are yuck to me and I never eat dirty water dogs.

7. Favorite Christmas Song? Frosty the Snowman.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Diet Pepsi. In my old age anything else makes me feel ill.

9. Can you do push ups? I can probably do about 5.

10. What's your favorite meal? Elizabeyths answer made me hungry for a steak with caramelized onions. My favorite meal is probably Lemon Chicken or Teriyaki chicken. If it were a last meal kind of request then I would probably want meatloaf and mashed potatoes, preferrably the way my dad made it.

11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? Jewelry that my Aunt Deena made for me. My most favorite is a garnet and gold bead necklace.

12. Favorite hobby? Photography. Followed closely by firefighting, stamping, scrapbooking, knitting, hiking, golf, and tennis.

13. Do you work with people who idolize you? I doubt it. Well liked and respected, yes, idolized, no chance.

14. Do you have A.D.D? I don't think so. I am always busy doing something but I can do 7 things at once and pay attention and get them all done.

15. What's one trait that you dislike about yourself? I wish I were less of a slob. I wish I were more dedicated to eatting better.

16. Middle name? Denise.

17. Name 3 thoughts at this moment.
1. I do not want to be at work.
2. I wish weekends lasted longer.
3.  I'm making lists of things I need to do.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday:
1. Diet Pepsi
2. Lunch
3.   Some DVD's on amazon.com for husbands birthday.

20. Current worry right now? August 29th.

21. Current hate right now? My job.

22. Favorite place to be? I love to be in nature. I love to be sitting by the lake in a nice chair with a cold drink and a book.

23. How did you bring in New Years? At the firehouse with some friends.

24. Where would you like to go? Alaska. Italy. Yellowstone.

25. Who will complete this? Probably no one.

26. Whose answer do you want to read the most? Melissa

27. What color shirt are you wearing? Navy Blue.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets? No.

29. Can you whistle? Not really. And I can't really snap my fingers either.

30. Favorite color(s)? Navy Blue.

31. Would you be a pirate? Sure.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I don't sing in the shower.

33. Favorite girl's name? Alexendria.

34. Favorite boy's name? Daniel.

35. What's in your pocket right now? Money.

36. Last thing that made you laugh? My husband and our discussion about Who has the Biggest Brain on Facebook.

37. Best bed sheets as a child? We didn't get special sheets.

38. Worst injury you've ever had? Sprained my ankle really badly once but I've never broken a bone.

39. Do you love where you live? Yes. I love my house even though I wish certain parts of it were different. I love the area we live in. I just don't love the commute.

40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Seven. And Yes, I know, it's crazy 2 people have 7 televisions.

41. Who is your loudest friend? My husband.

42. How many dogs do you have? Two.

43. Does someone have a crush on you? Yes, and I have a crush on him too.

44. Why was there no #44? 44 had to go to the potty.

45. What is your favorite book? I really don't know.    I love books and I love to read but rarely do I remember the details of a book later. I remember if I liked it or not, but the details get lost. I loved the Harry Potter books. I loved Artemis Fowl. As a kid I loved Judy Blume.   With my schedule now I mostly only have time to read magazines and the occassional book on vacation.

46. What is your favorite candy? Reeses Cups or gummi bears.

47. What is your favorite sports team? I sort of follow the teams my husband likes but I'm not a huge fan. I used to follow sports with my Dad too. I'm more of a fan of tennis.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Something Moown, I think. And it needs to be played LOUD and everyone has to sing along.

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night? I think I was sleeping. But I have been up late every night watching olympics and then getting up at 5 AM.

50. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? "F*CK." I didn't want to get up at 5:30 AM for work but I was glad it was Friday.

a list, a list, a list

2008-08-11T21:43:53Z

I think the easiest thing for me right now is to just make a list of all the things going on that I want to remember.

1. Ginger is dong fairly well, despite the prognosis. She is far too skinny but I feed her treats and special food to keep her eating. She is coughing more than before and it not nearly as energetic as she once was, but all in all I say she's putting up a good fight. On Saturday she pulled a glove out of the garage and brought it to me to play with her. She hasn't wanted to play like that in so long, probably since before Mack died. I grabbed a ball instead and threw it for her a few times. She really perked up and had fun, I think.

2. My neice is AMAZING. I went to see her for the weekend and she is SO fun now that she's six months old. She's still a very happy baby and full of smiles but now she giggles, blows raspberries and rolls all around. She's much more interactive and you can't help but smile in her presence. My sister and brother in law are over the moon in love with her and the sight of it makes me so happy.

3. I am now the owner of a 1971 Volkswagon Beetle Convertible. It's yellow and a load of fun to drive.

4. One of my very best friends, Nan, was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She is having surgery on Friday. If you can spare some good thoughts for a really amazing woman it would be appreciated. She has an amazing positive attitude and I need for her to beat this.

5.   I'm almost afraid to list this and jinx it all, but I need to put this somewhere. I think there has been a major breathrough with my husband and I want to believe that more hopeful days are ahead for us. I don't want to get my hopes up too much but think we might finally be on the same page again. I'll know more on August 29th.

6. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death. This hardly seems like something to add to a list, but it's on my mind and in my heart these days. I miss him a lot. I'm so sorry he's missing out on knowing Isabelle.

7. I miss my Aunt Deena so much. My mother and her sisters are at odds again and Deena was always the one who could bring the peace. I miss staying up late with Deena talking about nothing and everything. I miss the way she'd make me laugh. Even at 89 she had a great sense of humor.

8. I'm actually making a little money doing photography work.  Not nearly enough to quit my day job, but enough that I'm not sorry that I quit working for the sports photography company.

9. I miss having spare time to scrapbook, rubber stamp, play golf, and hang with my friends. Between my job and my fire dept obligations I have been so busy that I barely have any free time. Mostly it's been my job killing me and my social life. I was starting to look for a new job but because of #5 I have decided to stick it out a bit longer and see how things go.

10. Hmm, I'll have to think about number 10.

10.

From bad to worse..

2008-06-05T16:12:35Z

I feel like I'm living in a bad movie. Like I'm a train wreck that you watch to see what bad thing happens next.

Ginger has lung cancer.

She's been sick since February with what the vet thought was pnenomia. We gave her all sorts of antiobiotics and she finally seemed to get better. She had a nagging cough and a less than stellar appetite but she was doing much better.   She had follow up xrays and they saw some kind of dark spot on her lung still. The vet was optamisitic. He thought it might just need time or it might just be a damaged spot from the pnenomia. At the second follow up xray it was still there so he put her under and did a tissue test and it came back cancerous. The only possibilities for treatment are invasive and will likely make her even sicker and won't save her. He thinks she has anywhere from 1 month to 6 months. There's no way to know for sure.

Right now she's doing pretty good under the circumstances. She coughs once in a while and we struggle to get her to eat enough but she's happy and playful. Of course, she's getting extra attention from us these days.

Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe how I feel. She's a stinker, she's a pain in the butt, she's a sweetie and she's our puppy. We raised her from a little puppy just 9 weeks old. She's only barely 9 years old. I'm still struggling with losing Mack and Brandy and losing Ginger too is just too much. It's just too soon.

On top of that, Abby is not doing that well. Her age is really showing these days as she struggles to get up and down the steps. Getting her to even hustle to get anywhere is a joke. She's still full of spunk and love but I know the reality is that she doesn't have many years left either. She's 12 years old now and has lived with us almost 2 years now.

I can't imagine my house without any dogs in it. At the same time I can't imagine getting any other dog.

Slowvannah

2008-04-15T21:38:58Z

We had a great 4 days in Savannah. We wandered the city. We took a trolley tour. We went out to the beach on Tybee Island. We had drinks. We ate good food. We laughed. We watched a funny street performer. We shopped.

I took 387 photos.

To me, that's a good trip.

In less than 2 weeks I'm going to Arizona. Originally this was going to be a quiet visit with my Aunt Deena. I wanted to go over geneology stuff and record her voice and spend quality time with her. Since she died in January this has turned into a different trip. It's now a family trip and we're going to work on cleaning out Aunt Deena's house so that we can rent it.   My mother, sister, neice, aunt and cousin are going to be there too. My sister and I are staying at a nearby hotel for the first 4 days. She will have her daughter with her and there really will not be room in the house for all of us and the baby.  After our cousin and Aunt leave we will go to stay at the house with our mom.

This may or may not be a relaxing trip. It could be a trip full of family drama and I am not looking forward to that. I have enough of my own internal drama to deal with and I don't need to take on any more. I am really looking forward to spending the time with my sister and my neice. I hope that we have down time from cleaning and packing to do some fun things too. I have not been to Arizona with my sister since we were young punk kids.

I find that I am now a nervous flyer. Takeoffs and landings are stressing me out more than ever before. I never used to think much about it but now I think about the plane exploding or crashing or something else bad happening. Air turbulance gives me knots in my stomach.

I am looking forward to being away from work though. It has been extremely stressful at work and I have so many things to get done before I go on this trip. Too many projects going on at once with constant interruptions.

another crazy weekend..

2008-04-08T20:47:14Z

I was on my own this weekend. Husband went with fire dept to a training class in upstate New York. I have already taken that class but I would have taken it again but Ginger has been sick and someone needed to stay home and care for her. She got pnenomia when we were sick back in February and we have been giving her various doses of antibiotics since. We're giving her injections now because she was turning her nose up to every type of treat we tried to give her with a pill stuffed in it.   We think she's on the mend but it's been a long process and she's just not herself. I'm increasingly anxious and worried about her since losing Mack and Brandy was devastating to us.

Friday night on the way home I had errands to run and then I stopped by the firehouse to drop some things off. I ended up staying there a while having a beer with friends. I just vegged at home after that and stayed up too late watching bad movies.

Saturday morning I had planned to get up decently early and go hiking. I took the dogs outside and the sky didn't look good and I was afraid it was going to start raining again. I cleaned the kitchen and did some other things that needed to be done and then around noon it looked better outside and I decided to go hiking at Muscoot Farm.

Muscoot Farm isn't very far from our house and I had been there once before to visit the farm. They raise animals there and the last time I was there the piglets had just been born. I decided to go on the hike first and then visit the farm animals. The place is only open till 4 PM so I wanted to make sure I was back from the hike and didn't have to rush. I found the trail map, picked a direction and headed out. The trails were nice and wide and easy to follow. The landscape was really beautiful -- wide pastures, tall trees and rolling hills. I was following this yellow trail and I wasn't going to go very far because I was alone and didn't want to overdo it. I missed the spot where I was going to make a left and head back and ended up running into a green trail that crossed over. I could have turned back and just went back the way I came but I just didn't want to do that. For some reason I like to hike out in a circle and not cover the same track of land twice. In one area I had to hike pretty far uphill but I just took breaks when I needed it. Further along I took a different trail down that hill and back to the farm.   I don't know how far I went, probably a couple miles. I think I was out hiking about 1.5 hours. Again I took pictures but with all brown trees and no leaves they're kind of boring. I did get a few interesting ones of the wheat pasture though and one of a pine tree that I think is neat.

When I got back to the farm I decided to check out the animals. I love animals and zoos. There were a plethora of baby animals this trip -- lambs, piglets, calves and I think a pony. The lambs were SO adorable and there were some inside that were born that day. I took a whole lot of baby animal pictures. In one pen the mother sheep were being really protective of their lambs and one was giving me and my camera with the big zoom lens the evil eye. At one point she was stamping her hoof at me.

When it got close to 4 I knew I had to stop messing around and get home. On the way out I bought a better trail map so that I can bring Dave back there to go hiking again. He likes the maps with the elevation data so he can scan them and put them in his pda and do fancy GPS things with them. I just like to know how far things are so I know what my limits are and what I can do.

Back at home I was SO hungry because once again I hadn't eaten much before I went out hiking and I burned it all off. I was smart this time though and brought some trail mix and some nuts with me. I ate some of them while I was out and that helped. I wanted to make home made onion straws and I made chicken nuggets to go with them.   Nothing like a big greasy meal after I've been out hiking!

After the meal I did some more cleaning -- there were zillions of dishes to wash after the cupcake fiasco last week and bringing home pots and pans and stuff from the fire dept dinner on Thursday. I'm not sure if I told the story of that fiasco of a dinner.

Saturday night I finished the taxes while I watched LOST on dvd. I know, thrilling Saturday night! It had to get done so it's ok with me. I stayed up late watching dumb movies again after I was done.

Sunday I slept in a bit and then I did laundry and some cleaning. I had plans to meet my friend at her new house which is in my town and drop off some stuff to her and see her new place. She should be moving in fully by the end of this month, which is very cool. I was there for a couple of hours and then when I got home I had something to eat. I wanted to do some stamping and scrapbooking for the evening till Dave came home but after talking to my friend Nan I decided that it would be wiser to spend the time getting things together for our trip to Savannah this weekend coming up. I went though the travel books I bought and picked out possible outings, restaurants, etc. I printed out maps and figured out how to get from the airport to the place where we're staying.

Dave got home around 10 and I was getting ready for bed when the pager went off for the fire dept for a car accident. The pager had been really quiet all weekend with just a couple of ambulance calls. I went off to the firehouse and went on the call. When we got back to the firehouse it was after 11 and I was tired. We went back home and as soon as we got in the house we got another call for another car accident. I headed back to the firehouse but when I got there they were already gone at the call. A bunch of people were still there from the previous call. The call took a long while because of some weird circumstances and we were stuck at the firehouse on stand by till like 1 AM. By the time I got home and in bed it was 1:30 and I couldn't get right to sleep.

Monday was a rough day as a result. We had fire police graduation last night and I had to rush from work to the firehouse to get my uniform on in time. Then, instead of being smart and going home early I stayed there till nearly midnight hanging out shooting the shit with the guys. I don't usually rush home on Mondays because Dave isn't home anyway. Tonight I have a commissioners meeting and then tomorrow night I have to pack for my trip. Thursday I leave bright and early for 4 days in Savannah, GA with my girlfriends from college.   It should be a good time and good weather there.

I hope this is the trip that i figure how to pack like a regular person and I'm not the freak with 37 bags.

Lay around and do nothing.

2008-03-31T16:32:49Z

I think I just don't know how to lay around and do nothing on the weekend.

Friday night I mostly laid around and did nothing after work but that was because I was so exhaused from being up half the night on Thursday night going on fire calls. Thursday night was set off your fire alarm night in our town, apparently. Ah, the glory of being Lieutentant -- gotta get out of bed for these calls when your company is on duty. It's so glamorous to find someone taking a shower at 1:30 AM who sets off the fire alarm with the steam. It's my favorite when you get home from that call and you're just inside the door to have the alarm go off again for a repeat offender with their alarm.

Friday night I came home to a disaster in the kitchen from my husbands attempts to cook that week and I didn't feel like cooking at all. I think I threw chicken patties in the oven and made box mac&cheese. Hey, my husband will eat anything! We watched tv and I fell asleep early.

It's a good thing I did too, cause at 6:30AM it was another fire alarm wake up call. After that call I decided to just stay awake so I did some computer things that needed to be done and waited till after 8 to wake Dave up. I wanted to go hiking and get a somewhat early start. He agreed but I knew it was going to take effort to get him going. I actually got him out of the house at a little after 9, which is a miracle on a Saturday. We went to Clarence Fahnestock state park because the trail map I had printed from the internet looked good. It's only about a 20 minute drive from our house, which is good too. After getting a better trail map from the Park office we decided where to head off to start our hike.

We decided on a place where we could make a loop and get back to the car that would only be a couple of miles total hike. We headed off up an old mine road to find the start of the trail. It was a bit cold but not terrible if you kept moving. We ended up making a loop around a big pond and maybe going about 3 miles. We didn't have our GPS unit with us but we're going to bring it next time so we can map out the path. We also ordered some better trail maps when we got home.

The hike was nice and not too difficult. It did have some ups and downs of hills and we got tired but nothing we couldn't handle with a few short breaks. The only difficulty was for my husband crossing streams. We had to cross by stepping on rocks and each time he was hesitant and unbalanced. The water was maybe 12 inches deep at most but he had so much trouble getting his balance to get across while I was practically tip toeing like a ballerina. At one point we had to decide if we should hike further out or make a left and do a return loop back to the car. I thought I could go further but I didn't think we should push it and be too tired on the way back. It was a good thing we decided that because on the way back we had to climb up and down some hills and get down from some big rocks. It was also a good thing we made that left cause when we got back to the car I was hungry. I had long since burned off the waffles we ate before we left the house. I usually bring some snacks when we go hiking but we were out of pretzels or anything else easy to bring.

We left the hike and went to the mall for lunch and a little bit of shopping we needed to do. After a sandwich I felt better and I was already planning our next hike. We hiked about 2 hours total and I think it was good exercise for us without being too strenuous. Dave wants to bring the GPS and get all techy about it but that's ok with me.

I took a few pictures on the hike but they're all pretty boring. Lake and brown trees in most of them. Things are still pretty bleak nature wise here despite it being Spring technically.

After we had lunch at the mall and got a few things at Sears I was ready for a nap. We got home and I crawled into bed and was just saying, Ahhhhhh, when the fire alarm went off again. This time it was at least a possible vehicle fire but it turned out to be just an oil leak that was making the car smoke. Oh, well, it was a nice ride in a fire truck.    When I got back home I did get my nap and then I made roasted meat and baked potatoes for dinner. Yummy.

I futzed on the computer a bit and then I went to bed. Dave put on The Princess Bride and I fell asleep at the same place I always fall asleep -- right after the climb up the Cliffs of Insanity and right before the sword fight.

Sunday I had to be up early to go to the firehouse to do some secretary work with the Chairman of the board of commissioners. That took about an hour and then I had to go grocery shopping and do the recycling. I made $10 recycling my diet pepsi cans and bottles. I don't know why, but grocery shopping took forever. I'm usually pretty quick but for some reason I was in there a long time. I did have to get some baking supplies that it took a while to locate but that shouldn't have added on too much time.

I was starving when I got home because I'd forgotten to eat before I went to the firehouse. Bad plan cause I get cranky when I"m hungry. Dave made us sandwiches while I put away groceries and got ready to do my baking. I need to bake for my coworkers birthday and I wanted to bake some dessert for the fire dept dinner on Thursday.

I don't know why, but I thought making cupcakes from scratch was a good idea. The recipe didn't seem difficult and I thought I could handle it. Of course, if you're going to make cupcakes from scratch you can't use icing from a can so I had to make that took. Wow, that took forever! And I messed up and didn't put enough sugar in the chocolate ones. Sometimes, I'm really dumb and I think 3/4 cup and 3/4 cup will add up to 2 1/2 cups. Duh. They turned out ok anyway. Edible anyway. The vanilla ones are really good but a few of them don't look so pretty on top. It's a good thing I covered them up with frosting. The vanilla frosting was a major pain to make and I'm not even sure I did it right. The chocolate was pretty easy though.

All in all, I'm not sure they're better than Duncan Hines and they took a million hours longer to make. Because it took so long I didn't have time to make the fire dept dessert. I have to make dinner for over 60 people on Thursday night and they know I always make dessert. Good thing I picked up a few boxes of Duncan Hines cake mix and frosting :) They're not fussy, they'll never know.

I also made lasagna yesterday. I mixed it up and put it into four bread sized loaf pans so that I could freeze three of them and we could eat them for dinners in the future. We're eating bad because of lack of time so I think if I can get some things in the freezer that we can just pop in the oven and eat that will be good for us. I'm glad I did it too cause I popped one in the oven after the cupcake disaster and we had a good dinner in my kitchen full dirty bowls and baking supplies.

I'm going to have a busy week this week. I'm on call for work all week too. Tonight I have fire police class, tomorrow I have to do the shopping for the dinner. Wednesday we have an officers meeting and I need to whip up the cupcakes for the meeting on Thursday. I could just make cakes but these guys are terrible at portion control and there won't be enough for everyone if I don't take care of it.

Friday I might just lay around and do nothing.

I always wanted to be ...

2008-03-26T21:32:59Z

When I was young I wanted to grow up and be a policeman. My mother was, of course, completely against this idea. As I got older I had my doubts as well. I mean, I've never been fond of guns and the idea of getting shot at sounded a bit scary to me. I started working with computers when I was in the 6th grade and I liked it. In high school I also wanted to be a chef but my mother didn't think that was a great plan either. I know she wanted the best for me and wanted me to have a good financial life but I think I gave up things I liked for finanical security. Now that I'm 37 and deep into a career in Technology I do wish I had gone another route. I'm good at what I do and I do like it, but I think I would have liked other things more.

I joined the fire department in November 2001. When I joined I really didn't have a plan of what I wanted to do. I wanted to do something good in my life and do volunteer work to help my community. I had no idea where this path in my life would take me but I just knew I wanted to do something after September 11th. My husband joined at the same time and the first thing I noticed is that there weren't many women in the department and that women weren't that highly regarded. At the interview with the incoming Chief he barely looked at me and mostly spoke to my husband.

We were assigned to the EMS company and started learning about the ambulance and going on ambulance calls. We also started a basic firefighting class pretty soon after joining. I liked both things but I noticed that most women in the department gravitated towards the EMS company and weren't really firefighters. I only had to put out one car fire to know I wanted to be a firefighter.

At the same time I joined, another woman joined but she was much younger than me, just graduating from high school. She's a lot like me, though, in that I would say she's not a girly-girl. Neither of us is afraid to get dirty or to do our fair share of the work. We don't show up to work at the firehouse wearing fancy clothes and shoes and we do not whine about things that need to be done. Some women join the fire department to hang out with the boys but you don't get respect if you act like a bimbo.

Several times in the first few months I got told that "women didn't belong in the fire department". I just smiled and went about my business. Did it hurt? Sure did. Did I let them see that? No chance. I figured out who was an asshole and who was skeptical and who was open minded fairly quickly.   I kept my mouth shut and did my part to learn everything I could learn.   I think people could see that I was different from most women they knew.   I rolled hose, I cleaned floors, I washed firetrucks. I made a lot of friends the night it was time for my company to cook dinner and I put out a great meal with dessert. After that, maybe women weren't all so bad.

They rotated us through the Truck company and the Engine company and I decided I liked Engine company 1 best of all.   Dave decided that Truck company was the place for him and it's probably better in the long run that we made that split. I had to grow my own wings and find my own place.

People learned slowly that I was different than most women they knew. I could take a joke, I was not offended by foul language or anything else they did, and I wasn't afraid to work hard. During our first Department Inspection I worked really hard on the engine and I think people took notice.   When parade season came around and I was willing and able to march in parades I made a few more friends. The night I had a beer in each hand after the parade and they were both mine and older member said, "Are they for you?" and I said "Yup" and he said, "She's all right."    I became one of the guys, an exception to the rule, an accepted member of their clan.

It hasn't been easy and there have been setbacks but joining the fire department has been one of the best things that happened to my life. Even after they accepted me into their clan I still was not completely trusted. After my second year I tried to run for Vice President but I barely got any votes. I was made Engineer of a engine when the Engineer moved to another station.     Dave and I tried to make friends with people but it was hard to break into their cliques that they've had since they were kids.   People were nice to us but we were more acquaintences than friends.   We didn't really get invited to do things and people didn't really seek us out to ask for our help.

Around the fifth year things started to change. Dave got involved with the Fair committee and I became more involved with my company. I think people started to recoginize our value as members. Early last year I was asked to take over as secretary to the Board of Fire Commissioners because the current secretary was going to quit. He didn't end up quitting but did end up getting fired a few months later and I took over the position. I know, Woman = Secretary, and all that but I was sort of honored that they came and asked me to do it. It involves being party to information that is confidential and I saw it as a show of trust in my committment to the fire department. Before that I was asked to help write the Ethics policy for the department. The person that asked me to help was someone who emphatically told me that women did not belong in the fire service. He said he asked me because he thought me to be fair minded and intelligent.

Late last year when it was getting close to election time I was being asked to run for several positions. More than one person came to me and asked me to take over a spot as a Commissioner. I politely declined as I had already promised to be their secretary. Other people wanted to know why I wasn't running for Vice President or Lieutenant of my company. Our Captain was going to move up and run for Chief and our current Lieutenant was going to run for Captain.   I thought about it for a while and then thought about the other person who was going to run for Lieutenant and decided to run. I really wasn't sure that I could get elected.   Despite the hearts and minds I had changed I still wasn't sure a woman could become a fire officer. Plently of women had been EMS officers but no woman had ever been a fire officer in the 90+ years of history of the department. Women have only been permitted to be members for about 20 or so years.

I heard from a lot of people that they were going to support me but the thing is, people blow smoke up your ass around that place. They'll tell you one thing to your face and then do something entirely different behind your back. The crazy thing is that I did win by a fairly large margin. The other crazy thing is that I don't think they all voted for me just because they didn't want the other guy.

It's a little scary being the Lieutenant and I'm working on getting used to it. There have already been some down sides and I have felt the back stabbing already and that part hurts. It hurts to think that people who you thought were your friends are talking bad about you behind your back for no good reason. And some of the things they are saying aren't even true statements. This is just crap I have to deal with now.

So to bring this back full circle, I am finally going to be a police officer of sorts. I am in the middle of Fire Police class :) I wasn't going to take the class because I didn't really have an interest in being a Fire Police Officer because really all they are is glorified traffic directors but all of the other officers and chiefs are taking the class and it's the right thing for me to do as well.

And the other woman who joined the department at the same time as me? She's the first female police officer in our town.   I guess we're both bucking the system.

a long weekend...

2008-03-24T20:06:50Z

In an effort to keep myself somewhat sane, I'm going to try and write more often. It's been a long time since I was writing on a more daily basis, but I do think it helped me to do so. I am also trying to get out more with my camera and work on my photography, so I may be posting pictures too. If that doesn't work well with livejournal I may go back to using my web site that has long since been abandonded. I was still posting there somewhat infrequently when two people from my past found me and I wasn't exactly happy about it.

I had a three day weekend where I didn't have to work, for once. Friday Dave had to work and I went off to the big city with my friend Dawn. She had I had plans to go to a fancy bra store for fittings and new fancy bras. We both came up with the idea independantly and decided to go together. Strenth in numbers, and all that. Let me tell you, it was well worth the trip and well worth the money. The fitting cost nothing and it was very educational. I feel a thousand times better now that I am wearing the correct size and I think my boobs look great too.

After the fitting we decided to just start walking downtown and see what happened. We window shopped, went in and out of a couple of stores, and before long we'd walked from 90th street down to 57th street. We were getting hungry and headed west a bit and then ran into a pizza place I'd eaten at before so we popped in there for a cheap lunch. After lunch we walked a while longer and ended up in Times Square. After that we parted ways to get the train home. It was good to be with her and chat about anything and everything.

I got home tired and took a little nap and then wanted to try making baked macaroni and cheese for the third time. The first two times it was less than great and I was eager to figure it out. I'd seen another show on the Food Network featuring baked macaroni and cheese and had some new ideas on how to get it right. I combined parts of three recipes and really hit the nail on the head this time. It was fabulous tasting and I need to write down what I did so I can get it right next time too. I have a few ideas about how to make it better as well.

Saturday I woke up feeling kind of slow. I decided that making a list of all the things I wanted and needed to do would be a good place to start my day. In no time at all I'd filled a big blue post it with the following list :

Taxes
Find Bronx Zoo passes
ASP.NET
clean
knit
scrapbook
Commissioner minutes
design web site
design albums
photo trek
Fair letter
wishblade
find Antivirus CD
find camera book
notary letter
laundry
dog food
recycle
arizona hotel
savannah car
Omaha steaks
finsh bathroom
abby photos
magazines
bank

My list contained things that were anywhere from 5 minute tasks to major projects. It was things that had to be done and things I wanted to do for fun. Of course, since I'm disorganized and scattered several items on the list were just things I needed to locate in my mess.

I decided to start my Saturday taking care of a chore. I am the secretary to the board of fire commissioners and after their meetings I have to type up the minutes and email them out. It's not so hard a task but it does take a bit of time for me to condense my notes and make them into minutes. I also have to help write a report that is read to the membership at the monthly meeting so I had to work on that too. I did that first, while I ate cereal and watched Lost on DVD. I'm with

elizabeyth and I think tv shows on DVD are the greatest thing since sliced bread. I've already watched every episode of Lost but I wanted to start over again from the beginning and re-watch them.

That task took way longer than normal for some reason. I must have watched too much Lost and didn't pay enough attention to the task. After that I wanted to do something fun and I wanted Dave to go and do something with me but he had other plans. He kind of made me mad, actually, and I'm not entirely sure why. He wanted to go out to a poker tournament for the evening and I was kind of peeved that he chose that over spending time with me. I don't know why though, since it's not really fair of me to be mad when he's never mad at me when I want to go somewhere instead of doing something with him. I think it has to do with the poker and previous experiences and things I'm not going to go into here.

The one thing I drew the line at, though, was hurrying up and making him dinner before he had to go. I don't know why but that's something that pisses me off. I wasn't hungry at 5 pm and I wasn't going to hurry up and cook for him so he could go out. That makes me feel like it's a restaurant or something and I'm his personal chef. It might be irrational and crazy to feel that way but if he needs to hurry up and eat before he goes somewhere he can take himself into the kitchen and make himself something and clean up the mess when he's done. If I were ready to eat it would be a different story because I don't mind to cook for him if I'm already cooking for myself.

So I laid on the bed, watched some Battlestar Gallactica and took a little nap. He left to go out and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do for the evening. I took care of a couple of easy tasks, finding things, etc. I watched more Lost and fiddled on the computer. Then I decided to get out the Photoshop book and learn some new tricks. I did that for a while and then made myself some dinner -- cheesesteak and onion rings. I stayed up pretty late with the photoshop book and then watched more Battlestar Gallactica before I fell asleep.

Sunday I wanted to go somewhere to do something. I hadn't left the house at all on Saturday, not even to get the mail.   I had some errands to run but I forgot it was Easter sunday and most places would be closed. I had some waffles and tried to learn some ASP.NET programming while Dave was still sleeping. Around 10 I went and woke him up and asked him to go out hiking on a photo trek with me.   He actually said yes and we got ready to go. I printed out the info to go to a local place, Teatown Reservation, to hike around the lake. It was a nice hike, mostly flat, and it was peaceful there. I love nature and I love being in a peaceful place in the woods. The weather was mild and there were a few other people there with the same idea. It wasn't so great for photographs, though. The trees are all still brown, no buds in sight despite the offical start of Spring. I scouted out some places I'd like to go back to once we get some leaves on the trees and I saw some other trails I'd like to go back and hike.

After the hike we went home and I made fajitas for dinner. They were yummy, as I have mostly perfected my fajita recipe. The rest of the evening was quiet. I watched some tv, fiddled on the computer, etc.  I did manage to cross a number of things off my list :

find bronx zoo pass
commissioner minutes
photo trek
find antivirus
arizona hotel
omaha steaks
abby photos
laundry
savannah car (made progress, not done yet)

Today I found a whole lot of other local places to go hiking. I am hoping that Dave will be interested in going on a regular basis to hike and take photos. I printed out all the info to share with him and I think if I avoid any strenous mountain climbing I can get him to go with me.

travelling...

2008-03-05T22:37:03Z

The train is an awesome way to travel. Way back when I was in college I took the Amtrak train home to Atlantic City and I liked it but it was kind of pricey. So I found a cheap bus from NYC and that's how I got home the rest of the time I was in college.

One time, not too long ago I looked at taking the train to Boston for the weekend but it was not that cost effective and it was a pain to get to the train station.

Now that gasoline is on average $3.50 a gallon for my car I am trying to drive as little as possible. I also just had to sink about $1500 into tires and brakes for my car.

So when Nan emailed me and said, come to Washington DC to celebrate my 40th birthday I said, "Let me check on the train and see if that can work." I went about checking the schedules, etc, and found that it was going to work out great. The next day I booked a round trip ticket for $140 which is probably less than I would have paid for gas for the trip.

The funny thing is, the day I booked the ticket I thought about elizabeyth and the last time I was in Washington with her and melange428I said to myself, I have to email her and see if I can see her while I'm there cause she'd love Nan and I haven't seen her in so long.

And it's like she's got ESP or something cause she emailed me that day before I got to email her and we made plans.

This past weekend was my trip down there and the train travel was perfect. I parked my car at the train station not too far from my office and even though the train was running a bit late getting to that station it ran on time the rest of the way. I did some fire dept work and watched movies on the way down. Amtrack trains have electrical outlets at every seat which is perfect.

I had a lovely weekend in our nations' capital. Nan and I ran some errands, went to the International Spy Museum (cool, but too crowded that day) and we saw a blue grass band for her birthday celebration with a group of her friends. One of her friends took us out to a local bar afterwards that had an amazing selection of beer and I had a yummy brew. Sunday I had brunch with Nan and elizabeyth and then she was so kind to drop Nan at the airport for a business trip.

She and I then went to the National Mall. After consulting the map of museums we decided to go to the Hirshorn. They say art makes you think -- well, that place made me THINK. Some stuff I found really cool, some of it weird, some of it bizarro. All in all, I liked it and I loved giggling over the weird stuff with Elizabeyth. Afterwards we went outside and soaked up some sunshine before going to pick up my stuff at Nan's and then getting back on the train.

I wanted to stay longer, of course. I really like Washington DC. I'm already planning another trip so that I can do touristy things with Nan and Elizabeyth.

I hate 2008

2008-01-17T20:25:21Z

Seriously. 15 days into this year and I am filled with hate again.

My Aunt Deena died on Tuesday. I only wish it could be a bad dream.

Technically she was my Great Aunt, my grandmother's sister, my mother's aunt. In reality, she was our grandmother. She was the most wonderful woman. To know her was to love her.

When we were little kids my mom would drive us up to her house in Princeton to visit with her. She'd take us on errands in her old red car. We'd go to the bank and she'd put money in our savings accounts for us. I bought books in college with the money she saved for me. She'd take us for ice cream and show us her garden. She played games with us and showed me how to wear lipstick. She let us eat M&M's from her jar on the table, dinner be damned. We got soda from the can with a bendy straw.

She'd take us off to visit her neighbors and on weekend trips to the beach. At Christmas she'd always have the neatest toys for us. Puzzle boxes and toys that made you think.

She was the mother my mother never had.

She retired to Arizona in the early 80's and after I was in the 6th grade my mom sent us out there to stay with her and Aunt Lousia for a month. Being at grandma's house for a month was wonderful. There were day trips to keep us busy where Deena always had a cooler full of snacks and drinks for us. She bought us a t-shirt everywhere we went. She fed me as many root beer popsicles as I could possibly eat. She grandmother'ed us without smothering us. She and Aunt Lou taught us to play Canasta. She took us to meet her friends and you know she was proud of us. How Deena and Aunt Lou had the patience for the three (me, my sister, and our cousin) of us I'll never know.

After I graduated high school I went to visit with them again for nearly a month. I went on a long trip with Aunt Deena to the Grand Canyon. She'd planned out the entire route and the places we'd stay so that I would see everything. She'd always say, "Take as long as you want, stop as many times as you want, I'll wait for you." And she always meant it. When walking or standing got to be too much, she's sit and wait and never complain. At this point she was at least 70 years old and she'd still get you up at the crack of dawn to get going somewhere. Even then, I knew that was a special trip with her.

I've been to see her a bunch more times since then, too many to count. I love Arizona and I loved visiting with her. It was especially hard after Aunt Lou died in 1998. Aunt Deena continued to manage on her own but every time we went to visit we knew things were harder for her and she was slower. She always had her mind but her body was definitely giving out on her. One thing I loved most about her was her quick wit and her impish sense of humor. Even at 89 years old she was still cracking me up.

Last year for her 89th birthday my mother and I went to visit her at the same time. We had a dinner party with her friends for her birthday and really made a fuss about her. She was so surpised and happy the entire night. The pictures of her from that night really show it. I am so glad we did that and I am glad for every minute I spent with her. The nights I stayed up late with her and worked on necklaces and chatted in her study will be with me forever.

She may have never been married or had kids of her own, but she was a mother and a grandmother and will be forever missing from our lives.

This is a picture of her from her birthday last year.

knitting

2007-11-19T20:14:25Z

Yea, so, I'm knitting. Not insanely or anything but I have produced a few scarfs and I'm trying to make a few things for Christmas. I really haven't progressed past scarf level yet but I would like to.

I'd really like to make the green striped mittens and hat at this link but they only have the pattern for the cabled hat and mittens. If anyone has any idea where I could find this pattern I'd love some help. So far google hasn't helped me and I haven't found anything similar.

Other than knitting I have been keeping busy.

We buried my father's ashes in his family graveyard. I took pictures of Abby and put them down in the grave with him to watch over him.

Life is very hard without Brandy. That's all I can say about that without turning into a blubbering mess.

I'm doing a lot at the fire dept these days. I just finished up a training class and I am now secretary to the board of directors. I am also running for lieutenant of my company. If elected I will be the first woman fire officer in the history of our department. I'm scared and excited all at the same time.

Work has been extremely busy with no end in sight. Husband went back to work at a full time job after some real serious issues that I'm not going to go into here. He is happy at new job but there are still issues to work out.

Big news in my family is that my sister and her husband are in the process of adopting a baby and I very well may be an aunt (officially) right around my birthday next year. I'm really happy for them as they have been though a lot trying to have a baby the last couple of years. They have had a lot of rough times and they could really use this good thing to happen for them.

Emotionally I have been all over the map and keeping myself on an even keel has been pretty difficult. I'd like for one day to just feel normal.

Just when you think ...

2007-09-06T17:55:31Z

... that you have lost enough and that maybe life is going to cut you a break, it doesn't.

I'm starting to cry just thinking about what life did to me yesterday.

Brandy died.

And part of me died with her.

My cuddle puppy is gone. I'll never hear her Moo again or see her cute Brandy head in the window when I arrive home. She'll never sneak up on the bed with me or keep me company in my office while I work. I already miss seeing her beg for Cheese. I'll miss her ignoring me when I wanted her to come inside till I said the magic word -- "Treat". She was a quirky little puppy and I loved her more than anything.

Dave and I were a family with Mack and Brandy for a long time and now they're both gone. The two of them were more than dogs. They each had a unique full personality and were true family members to us. They were special, one of a kind, amazing dogs.

I don't know if it makes sense, but Abby and Ginger are just dogs. They're good dogs, they're sweet dogs, but they're just dogs. Abby isn't even *my* dog.

Brandy was *my* dog. I was probably the center of her universe. She would literally step over Dave to get to me. Being cuddled up next to me was her favorite place to be.

Dave and I are both really messed up over losing her. She was really the best dog. Everyone who met her really loved her, even people who didn't like dogs. She made friends everywhere she went.

Life without her is really really hard.

Miss you Dad

2007-08-10T16:07:27Z

I'm sure this is no surprise to anyone who has lost someone they loved, but I really miss my Dad. On Sunday it will be a year since he died and while I'm not sobbing into my bed every day about it, I still think about it a lot.

I miss talking about cooking with him while we have a cold beer at his kitchen table. I miss fishing at the jetty. I miss watching sports with him and hearing him bitch about the Eagles. I miss the quiet way he had about him. I miss his laugh and how quick he was with a smile.

Even though he'd win no prize for being a father he was my dad and I loved him. He taught me to ride a bike, to fish, to work the lawn mower and how to curse at things that didn't work. I was his helper for any repair jobs and I went to work with him a lot. He showed me how to work sheet metal and I still have this silly little metal box that he helped me build. We painted the house together and many times said "Don't tell Mom about this!"

Abby is my constant living reminder of him and every time I play ball with her I think of my dad playing ball with her. When I need to get her to listen to me I use my "Dad" voice and she pays attention. She is a wonderful dog and I love her with all my heart but she's not my dog. She's my dad's dog who I promised to take care of. That promise is very important to me. I don't know if that makes sense but when I make decisions about her care I think of what my dad would do first. I give her lots of cookies because it's what my dad would do. I draw the line at giving her too much people food and I know she hates me for it! Last week we had meatloaf for dinner one night and she was freaking and pacing around because I know she wanted some. I know my dad would haven't given it to her but I also have to think of her health and she still needs to lose more weight.

I know my dad would love to know the silly things that Abby does with me. When I see her happy it makes me smile because I know I'm keeping my promise to him. He'd laugh so hard at the way she works me for a cookie every morning after I dry my hair. She hears the hair dryer and she's on top of me waiting for her cookie. Then when I shut it off she gets herself in the doorway of the kitchen and blocks my way from going down the stairs and out the door -- not that I'd try! Even though she's resistant to learning new tricks I did teach her to take a cookie nice. It only took one day of the cookie trick before my dogs got in on it and now they want one in the morning too. My dad would laugh so hard if he knew she was doing this to me.

I could write for days about the awful things he did to us as a father. How he forgot to pick us up and how he took us to bars so he could drink. I could tell you how he would always drink while he drove us around or how he beat me as a kid. The truth is, what's the point of telling those stories now? I know it affected me in some pretty bad ways but I gave up the resentment about it a long time ago. I decided I could stay angry forever about it or I could let it go and have whatever relationship I could with him as an adult. The truth is I know my dad never wanted to be that way or treat us that way. He had a terrible childhood himself and was addicted to alcohol. He never really learned to deal with his feelings or his demons. I know he loved me and was fiercely proud of me. I was at peace with my relationship with him when he died and I'm thankful for that.

Tonight I'm driving down to my mom's house because tomorrow we're having a bbq with a bunch of my dad's family. I'm looking forward to it but at the same time it's going to be hard for me. I'm more like my dad when it comes to things like this and I would prefer to be alone with my thoughts to remember him. I'd prefer to go down to the jetty and sit by the water and think about good times with my dad. Maybe I can ask my sister if she'd like to do that Saturday morning.

Daddy I miss you. Abby misses you. I am spoiling her rotten for you. I hope that you are with your sister and your grandmother and you have my Mack to keep you company. I am glad that you are not in pain anymore from cancer but I wish you were still here with us. You are in my thoughts always.

colleent @ 2007-06-28T15:25:00

2007-06-28T19:42:52Z

My Brandy is a miracle dog. After almost a week at the two vets she was well enough to come come last Thursday. We canceled our weekend trip plans and I stayed home to care for her. When she came home she couldn't walk at all, couldn't sit up, and her right eye was swollen and she couldn't blink it.

Each day she made a little bit of progress. On Saturday morning she cried to go outside and I carried her down the stairs and she got up and walked in the grass. She could only walk in circles round and round but she did it. Sunday evening she was walking straight and standing to eat.

Today she's going up and down the stairs on her own and her right eye is still unable to blink all the way but it's better. She is still a bit weak on the right side but doing better every day. After being so scared that we were going to lose her I don't care if I have to clean her eye out every day of the rest of her life. She is really one of the sweetest dogs you'd ever meet.

She went back to the vet for her checkup today and they were amazed at her progress. They really didn't know if she'd recover from her illness but they're proud of her too. She apparently made lots of friends at our vets office and everyone wanted to see her and say hi to her. That's my Brandy.

Here she is while her eye was still a bit swollen and she couldn't walk so well.

I know, she's funny looking. Even funnier now that she tilts to the right and runs sideways. We don't even know what breed she is really. She definitely has some Beagle in her and probably some German Shepard and maybe even some Lab. She has the goofiest tail that curls up to her body.

So that's my happy news for today.

whatever

2007-06-19T15:50:15Z

Here comes the most random piece of work, ever.

I'm keeping busy despite being depressed a lot. I'm up and down like a roller coaster much of the time but the problem is that my roller coaster doesn't go very high up and it goes down very low.

My job just might be killing me. I tried to quit my second job and they talked me out of it. I did get some more days off out of trying to quit and a nice raise though. I was going to try and quit again in the fall but we've had some unexpected expenses crop up and I don't know if I can pass up the extra money.

I don't know what got into me, but I'm learning to knit. It's not like I don't have enough hobbies with my scrapbooking, stamping, photography, golf and random other crafts. A lot of people I know are knitting and I thought it sounded like fun. So far I've made two scarfs and I have one in progress and yarn ready for another one. I have promised my husband not to build a stash of stuff like I have for scrapbooking and stamping and I'm just getting what I need for projects. I'm thinking I might move on to blankets, hats, and dishclothes for holiday gifts next. It's a relaxing thing to do in front of the television and before bed and it does a decent job of keeping my mind off the things it tends to wander to and send me in my downward spirals.

My dog Brandy is very ill and we don't know yet if she's going to recover. She didn't look right to me on Friday morning, she got slowly worse during the day and when I got home from work on Friday night she was really bad. I rushed her to the emergency vet clinic and she was there all weekend and we weren't getting good reports about her. They thought she was having problems with the nerves in her inner ear. Monday morning we picked her up from the emergency vet and took her to our regular vet and he agrees with the diagnosis but he feels that she is getting better slowly and he his caring for her now. We are cautiously hopeful that she will recover but we don't know yet.

And I am SICK with grief about this dog. I'm not over losing Mack and these dogs mean everything to me. If I lose her I think I'm going to go over the edge and never get out of bed again. I have lost enough in the last few years and I can't handle losing my Brandy too.

I am considering seeking therapy again for my depression. I'm not sure what they can do for me, as I know what I am depressed about but feel powerless to change anything to make it better. I don't see a way to make it better. I can take pills and it has less power over my life but it doesn't change the situation. The last therapist I saw was really no help at all and my insurance sucks in the mental health department but I think I'm going to try again anyway.

Maybe reporting some better news would help.

I met Molly (have to figure out how to link) and she was the most adorable and precious baby I've met in a long time. Her smile was infectious. I got to see Melissa and Elizabeth and Liz for the first time in a long time and it was really great. I hope we can plan something to get together again soon.

I spent a great weekend with my sister in March and want to plan another one soon. As we get older I think we have a greater appreciation for each other and I am glad for it. I recently talked to Tuz ( my mother's sister) again and we are planning to be together for the anniversary of my father's death. I really don't know what you call that, his Death Day or something?

I'm taking a two week vacation this summer that I sorely need. I had originally hoped that we would be going upstate to a lake for two weeks but that's not working out financially. So I am going to take the time off and get some things done at home. I have to purge a bunch of my clothing, purge magazines and get some deep cleaning done. I want to empty out our storage unit so we don't pay the money for it anymore. And we're going to go on a couple of day trips. So far we have a Yankee game and a trip to the Bronx Zoo planned.

I went to Arizona in April with my mother to visit with my Great Aunt Deena. It was a really nice trip and I was so glad to have the time with my aunt. We had a nice 89th birthday party for her and visited many of our usual favorite places and a few new ones too. I also got to talk to my cousin Michelle who is living in Chicago now. My mother and her sister had a falling out a number of years ago and I had my own falling out with her as well. Unfortunately it meant that we lost touch with Michelle and that always bothered me. But we got back in touch with her through Aunt Deena and I have her email now and I'm hoping that I can get out to Chicago to see her and her kids this fall.

That's my 37 page newsletter for now.

Promise me

2007-01-03T22:10:40Z

Please promise me that 2007 is going to be a better year than 2006. Maybe it's years that end in 6 that suck. 1996 was no prize, so maybe 2006 was doomed from the start.

I thought we were going to be staying home for New Years but we got invited to Dave's cousins house and we went to a small gathering there. I was dreading going out in the afternoon since I've been feeling less than well since we got home from our Christmas travel but once we got there I relaxed and we had a good time. We played this silly but fun dice game, had some drinks, danced and made noise at midnight, and had a lot of laughs. We got home at 3 AM and that's the latest I've stayed out in a while.

I've been thinking about resolutions the last couple of days. I'm thinking about what changes I might want to try and make this year. I feel like I'm struggling so much with so many things that I'm not sure I can take on anything else even though I know I need to. I need to do something about getting some regular exercise and losing some weight. I lack the motivation to get it done and I wish I had a local friend to do it with. I'm going to see if I can afford some kind of personal training as that could do the same thing. I'm also going to look into some tennis groups and I saw something about learning to play ice hockey and that sounded interesting to me too.

I'm still struggling very much with depression. I feel sad about things in my life that I have no ability to change but can't accept at the same time. I feel hopeless that the situation will change at all. I feel so stuck and I've felt that way for a long time. I have no idea what to do about it.

More later...

The Tradegy of Christmas

2006-12-26T18:45:43Z

I had the hardest time finding any Christmas spirit this year. If you came to my house you'd barely know that we celebrate Christmas. Just one roll of wrapping paper on my living room coffee table gives it away. No tree, no decorations, no nothing else. I just didn't feel up to it. My shopping was done quickly and with as much thoughtfulness as I could muster. My cookie baking efforts were less impressive than other years.

I did the best I could after cancer turned our family sad. It's the Cancer Christmas, apparently. We lost my dad and my aunt in August. Two of my mothers good friends were diagnosed with breast cancer. And then my brother-in-law lost his mother to cancer the week before Christmas. Jeanne was the nicest lady. She took us all in like family from the first time we met her. She fought the cancer for 19 months and lost, unfortunately. I went to the viewing to support my sister and I'm glad I did it because she really needed us. She' just been though too much in the last 18 months and I don't know how she's still standing instead of being curled up in the fetal position in bed for weeks.

So despite the tragedies we decided to have Christmas anyway. We decided we could use a little happiness after all we've been through. So my husband and I packed up Abby and we went on our 3 state Christmas driving extravaganza to see our families. I couldn't bear the idea of putting 11 year old Abby in a kennel for Christmas so we made arrangements for her to come with us and put Brandy and Ginger in the usual kennel. First stop in Staten Island to see Dave's mother, sister and niece and nephews. I loved seeing the kids but his mother makes things stressful and his sister's dog didn't like Abby and I was glad when we got out of there at 8:30 pm.

We left there and went to Leora's house, arriving around 10 pm. Did I mention that Dave came down with a bad cold and I had to drive everywhere? And I had to spend the weekend with Mr. Sick and Slightly Cranky Man?

Leora and I stayed up late gabbing and getting a few last minute things together for Christmas. Her son got her up early and I didn't sleep well because of Dave and his sickness. Abby got along just fine with her dog Ginger. I played some games with her son, Robby, and we had breakfast and then it was pretty much time to leave to go to my sisters house in PA.

We got to Kim's house and I immediately felt more relaxed. My cousins were already there and my mom arrived shortly after I did. Kim was nice enough to put her cats upstairs and let Abby have free roam of the downstairs with us. Abby got lovin' from everyone and was very happy. We had snacks in the afternoon and I took over Tuz's position of being Kim's kitchen helper. Tuz had to work and couldn't come for Christmas but we are going to see her next weekend at her house. I helped Kim get dinner on the table and we had a great meal.

After dinner my cousin Rob saved Christmas. He'd gotten a Nintendo Wii as an early gift and he hooked it up and showed it to us. I thought it looked fun so I tried it. Before you know it we were having a boxing tournament and everyone was laughing like crazy. Even my mom played it. The pictures of us boxing are hysterical. Everyone really needed the laughs. We shared presents and dessert and then called it a night.

I slept badly again because of Dave and his coughing and tossing and turning. In the morning I made breakfast for Dave and my mom. Kim and Rick had gone off to Rick's sister's house for Christmas with his family. I'm sure it was a difficult time for them all because Rick's mother had so many Christmas traditions and now it was all changed. We've at least had a few months to grieve the loss of our dad.

The drive home was rough because I was just too tired. I had to stop once and nap so I could make it all the way home and then I napped again when we got home. When I get overtired like that I get weepy and sad too. Dave did his best to take care of me which I really appreciate.

The worst part is now I think I'm coming down with whatever Dave was sick with. I hope he gets better quick cause we have to drive all over the planet this weekend coming up and it's his turn to drive.

oh, i don't know anymore

2006-09-28T16:38:37Z

Today would have been my dad's 60th birthday. I'm incredibly sad that he didn't live to celebrate it with us. 59 seems way to young to die. I am glad that we made a fuss for Fathers Day for him, though. I'm happy with all the things we did for him in the last year of his life. We all spent a lot of time with him and helped him with the things he needed. We made sure he knew that we loved him and would miss him when he was gone.

And miss him I do, every day. And believe me when I tell you my father would win no prize in the father of the year contest. I could detail how not perfect he was but it's not somewhere I want to go. He's my dad and I really miss him.

Abby is doing well with us. She's adjusting to living with other dogs and to our schedule. She's losing some weight and I think she's generally pretty happy. Every time I look at her bright brown eyes I think of my dad.

I'm working my way through writing out thank you notes to people who attended the memorial service. It's hard to do so I can only sit down and do a few at a time. My sister is taking care of the financial matters and dealing with the bills.

Kim and I went together to clean out his house and that was really hard. It was hard to see what his life had become because of the choices he made. There was so little in the house worth keeping. We went though his clothes and donated what we thought was still good and threw out some stuff that was shot. We had a walk down memory lane with his clothes and even had a few laughs. Almost none of the furniture in the house belonged to him but we took his old desk that had been in his family for probably a hundred years. We took his tools and we're going to split them up between us and make tool boxes for ourselves. We took the computer that Mom had bought him and have since given it to family. He didn't have many personal belongings but Kim and I had hoped to find his lighter or his watch but we didn't find it.

I received some paperwork from Hospice about grief counselling and I'm going to look into it. I know that the loss of my father isn't the only thing weighing on me right now and I'm having some trouble handling all the sadness. I really feel like I'm coming apart at the seams some days.

All the things I read say that journalling about your feelings will help, so I'm trying to do it. I think it's easier to sit at my computer at night and play mindless games than it is to think about how I'm feeling lately.

We had my father cremated and put in a beautiful wood urn. Each of us got a smaller urn with a bit of his ashes in it. My mother wants to bury his urn in a grave where his sister is buried. I don't really want to do that, as I'd rather keep his urn, but I don't want to go against my mother's wishes. Kim, Tuz and I are going to spread some of his ashes at the jetty where we used to fish with him. I have a small urn with his photo in my curio bookshelf next to the ashes of Mack which I couldn't bring myself to spread anywhere.

A week after my dad died my Great Aunt Pat died from a lung tumor. She was my godmother and a kind and generous woman. I attended her memorial service at a church with some of my mother's family that I don't remember ever meeting because I was a toddler the last time they saw me. So much death in my life in the last two years.

I'm going to try and journal more and see if it helps me feel better. Hopefully I can think of something less tragic to talk about.

10 days

2006-08-22T21:42:40Z

10 days ago my dad passed away. It feels like forever and it feels like yesterday at the same time. We were with him when he took his last breath. I'm missing him so much but at the same time I wouldn't have wanted him to suffer any more. The last month of his life was so hard on him.

I think I'm more fragile now than I was right after it happened. There were too many other people and other things to take care of for there to be time for me to fall apart. We had to make all the arrangments and visit with family and call people. Telling people is the worst. I reached a point where I just couldn't call anyone else.

My sister and I had to write his obituary. Gosh, that was hard. We had to take some liberties with the definitition of relationships, but whatever -- it's our dad and we can do what we want. We saw family members that we haven't seen in 20+ years. We made poster boards of pictures of my dad's life and family. My sister and I did really well together. That is good because there is more to be done. We have to clean out my dad's house and take care of his bills and paperwork.

I spent an exhausting week with my mom, sister and aunt. There were plenty of good moments and there were times when we were really there for each other but there were also times when I wanted to slap each one of them. I don't even want to know the things they said about me behind my back after hearing what each of them said about each other.

And now we have a new family member, Abby. She's a 10 year old pure bred lab and the mother of my Ginger. They're all doing well under the circumstances but I have to keep a watchful eye on them all. Abby isn't used to living with other dogs and Ginger is a pushy bitch.

I'm really feeling lost with him being gone. I spent so much of this year with him and it's hard to watch someone lose the battle. He will be in my heart forever but I just wish he wasn't going to miss out on all the good things in the future.

colleent @ 2006-07-17T14:47:00

2006-07-17T19:05:35Z

I don't even know where the last few months went. I know I worked a lot. I worked every Saturday at my photography job and some Sunday's too. My regular job is kicking my butt day and night. I've been thinking a lot about quitting the photography job. I initially took the job for the money when Dave lost his job two years ago. I was trying to find a part time job that I could do and not mess up my regular job and the night support issues. The money still helps a bit but I've gotten a couple of raises from my regular job and I've paid off some things so that our financial situation is better. And I got Dave two jobs to help with money.

So I want to quit but at the same time I want to do photography. I think I'm having mid life job crisis. I don't love what I do at my day job and I don't see how I can change what I'm doing. We are dependant on my income and benefits and I don't see a way out of that.

I don't know what's going on with me emotionally. I have a bunch of good days in a row and then I have a few bad days in a row. It's the same crap over and over again.

My dad is having his ups and downs too. The chemo is doing it's job but it's also making him quite ill at this point. I need to get down there to see him again soon. We had a Father's Day get together with him and he was doing well that day but he had a bad week before that.

Dave and I had the nicest time on vacation in June. We went to Niagara Falls for 3 nights and then to Lake George with the fire dept for 3 nights. Niagara Falls was a tourist trap in many ways but it was also a beautiful natural wonder.

That's all I've got for now.

Two steps forward, 4 steps back

2006-04-19T20:07:53Z

I had a busy couple of weeks with work and then I went on a weekend trip to Rhode Island with my friends from college. I wasn't going to go, but I haven't seen them in a while and my dad was doing fairly well. My aunt and cousins took over visting him while I couldn't. Things have just been so hectic for me lately. I had two bad weeks of night support from work followed by a busy week planning and preparing the fire department monthly meething meal. Then my co-worker hurt his back while my other coworker was on vacation so I had to cover the office as well as night support on my own. I could use a break but I'm not getting one any time soon.

I went to visit my Dad again on Saturday and he had his third round of chemo last week. He was worn out and tired from the experience. Now that he is back at home he gets picked up by Fare Free transport to get to the hospital for the chemo and then they bring him back home. My mother picks him up and takes him to his doctor appointments. It's an exhausting schedule for both of them.

Saturday I walked into my Dad's house to find him drinking a beer at the kitchen table. So disappointing. My father has been an alcoholic my whole life. It screwed up our family in so many ways. And the doctor told him that drinking would make him sick and probably make the chemo ineffective. He said he wasn't going to drink or smoke while he was having the chemo. Well, at least he's not smoking.

The truth is, I can't blame him for the drinking at this point. If I knew I had systemic cancer and there was really no chance I was going to live I'd probably start drinking too. And in his case, he knows no other way to live. He's never been able to give up the drinking so I don't see how he'd do it now. I'm just sad because it will likely cause his death sooner.

I got to be the unlucky one to call my sister and let her know that he's drinking again. My mother had already known as well as my aunt and they did not tell me. I did not want my sister to show up next weekend and find what I found and have to deal with it on the fly. She's got issues with our dad like I've got issues with our mom. We just had a screwed up childhood and it stays with you. I did have a good talk with her otherwise, which was nice.

I'm going to take this weekend off and stay home and do some things and Kim and Tuz will go to visit Dad. It's hard for a dysfunctional screwed up family to deal with such serious issues.

Good news for once

2006-03-30T20:10:01Z

Finally a little good news on my dad's condition.

My mom just called on her way home from the doctors with him. The cancer is actually shrinking a bit and the chemo is helping him so he will have two more rounds of it in the next month.

After all the doom and gloom it's nice to get some good news for once.